Coping with grief

It has been a very long time since I posted last, but there has been a lot going on in my world.  I had a great run last Tuesday at lunch and I was all set to post about it when I got a phone call I was dreading.  My dad's friend from church, Shirley, called and I missed her call.  She left a voice mail and once I got Jack to sleep, I called her back.  Luckily, my mom had stopped by for a bit and was still at my house because Shirley had called to tell me that his doctor's appointment that day had not gone well at all.  The doctor said that my dad did not have long to live.

I've been a little vague about my dad's illness out of respect for his privacy, but he essentially had an issue with his pacemaker that led to his hospitalization in the middle of January.  While they were working to fix his pacemaker (replacing the battery and a lead wire), the ran a bunch of other tests and discovered a suspicious spot on his liver.  After a biopsy, they discovered he had a malignant melanoma on his liver.  About 6 years ago, he had retinal cancer (which I've now learned was ocular melanoma) and it metastasized to his liver.  He visited an oncologist the second week of February and the oncologist said he had stage 4 liver cancer and there was nothing that could be done, at which point, Nick and I made a trip to Ohio to see him.  We had a good visit and during that visit, we discovered that the oncologist wanted to run further tests to see if my dad was eligible for a cutting-edge treatment.

Two weeks ago Thursday, he had a bunch of tests run, as well as last Monday.  On Tuesday, he went to the oncologist to begin his first treatment and the nurses had started his iv to begin an infusion.  At that point, the oncologist came in and pulled Shirley, who had accompanied him to the appointment, to the side.  He said he was sorry, but nothing could be done and the prognosis was "not good at all."  Shirley said that my dad's family lived out of town and asked the doctor if  he meant that she should call his family to have them come up.  The oncologist said yes and that he would be surprised if my dad made it through the weekend.  I found out after I got to Ohio that the oncologist actually had said he thought it would be more like 2 - 3 days.

I broke down that night and was pretty inconsolable for much of the night.  I decided that I was driving to Ohio the next day (Wednesday).  I know that doctors can be wrong with their prognosis, but I wasn't willing to take the risk and I knew I would regret not going to see my Dad.  It was hard seeing him a few weeks ago because he was a shell of the man I remember, but I knew I needed to be with him.  I had planned to go by myself, but as I was getting ready to leave town, I realized it was not a good idea for me to go by myself and my mom said she could come with me.  I was so relieved that I didn't have to make the trip on my own and my mom was a godsend.  We drove to Dayton on Wednesday  night and finished the drive to Canton early Thursday morning.  The closer I got to Canton, the more my nerves set in.  I was afraid that I wouldn't make it in time; I was afraid of how my dad would be when I got there; I was sad because I knew it was likely the last few days I had with him.  Shirley had asked me on Wednesday afternoon if my dad knew I was coming and I told her he knew.  Honestly, I told him on Wednesday because I wanted him to know I was coming so that he could hold on until I got to Ohio.

When I saw my dad Thursday morning, he didn't seem that different than when I saw him over Valentine's Day weekend, other than the fact that he was a little more jaundiced.  It was good to see him, but it was also really sad.  He wasn't himself; he was weak and in pain.  We visited a lot on Thursday and I brought him his favorite (at least lately) chicken noodle soup from Panera.  I had to talk to my dad about a few difficult things on Thursday, including his DNR and hospice care.  It was really hard, but it needed to be done.  I had planned to stay at the nursing home on Thursday night with my dad, but he gently kicked  me out so he could get rest.

On Friday, my dad's pastor came to talk to him about the DNR and hospice care and we made the decision to sign him up for hospice.  He was very tired most of the day on Friday, but he was a trooper.  My grandparents and one of my uncles were arriving that afternoon, so he was trying to stay awake and alert until they arrived.  Once dad was on hospice, they brought him the Rolls Royce of wheelchairs and a new, more comfortable (in theory) mattress.  They also requested more pain medicine for him, although I had to raise a little hell to get it for him because there was a bit of a disconnect somewhere in the process.

We went to dinner on Friday night and I went back to the nursing home to settle in for the night.  Dad tried to kick me out again, but I told him I'd like to stay if he'd let me.  I told him there was no where else I wanted to be and he said he would like me to stay.  Friday night was good on the one hand; my dad and I had some lovely bonding moments and I wouldn't trade those for the world, but it was also really hard on the other hand.  He was in so much pain and it was really hard to watch and be useless to help.  I did my best and I hope that I was able to help in some small way.  Once the pain meds finally came through, he was a bit more comfortable, but he also wasn't acting like himself.  He got a little ornery early Saturday morning with one of the nurses and I and I had to keep reminding myself that it wasn't my dad talking.

Dad liked to get up during the day, especially when he had visitors (his room wasn't conducive to large groups of people) and go to the dining room to visit.  Unfortunately on Saturday, though, he wasn't able to get out of bed.  He slept most of the day and we took turns sitting with him.  Later that afternoon, the hospice nurse gave me a booklet about death and the timeline for dying.  As I was reading the booklet, I noticed that my dad had a lot of the symptoms that fell in the "hours to minutes" time frame for death.  As such, I was really reluctant to leave for dinner, but since I had been at the nursing home all night, my family encouraged me to go get a bite to eat before settling down again at the nursing home for the night.  My mom stayed with dad and I went to eat with my grandparents, uncle, Shirley, and her friend, Chuck.

When I got back to the nursing home, my dad was still sleeping and mom offered to go back to the hotel and get my glasses (by this point, I had been wearing my contacts for almost 48 hours) and a change of clothes.  As soon as she left, I noticed that my dad's breathing was very labored and I started to get a bit hysterical.  One of the sweet nurses came in and said "honey, this is going to get really hard.  Are you sure you can handle this?" to which I replied "Whether I can handle it or not, I'm not going anywhere."  I did not want my dad to be alone.  I held his hand, put my head next to his on the pillow, and talked to him for a long time.  I said a prayer, told him how much he was loved and by whom and I told him I wouldn't be who I am today without him.  At that point, he squeezed my hand a little bit and I'm not sure if it was a little twitch or not, but I feel strongly that he heard me and squeezed my hand to let me know he did.

My mom got back a little while later and saw I was upset and asked if I needed her to stay.  I said yes and about 15 minutes later, with my mom and I by his side, my dad died.  I can't really express how hard this has been.  I would not have wanted to be anywhere else than by his side, but I had a really hard time reconciling the fact that one minute he was there squeezing my hand and the next, he was gone.  I keep telling myself that he isn't in pain anymore, which is a huge blessing because he was in so much pain, but I miss him so much.  I've wanted to call him at least a dozen times since I got home and I can't.

May 2013 at the Charlotte-Genesee Lighthouse in NY

I've run the gamut of emotions the past week; sadness, anger, guilt, regret, you name it.  I feel gypped that my dad won't get to see the boys grow up or see me finish my half marathon, but then I think back to others who've lost parents or loved ones at a much younger age and I try to feel grateful for the 31 years I had with him.  31 years is a lot, but I want more.  I'm angry because he was 55 and too young to die and I still need him.  I'm angry that we didn't catch the cancer sooner, that my dad didn't go to the doctor (someone gave me a photo of him from Christmas and you can tell he is sick in the photo.  I have a photo of him from when we saw him last May and the difference from May to December is shocking.  He did not look well) and take care of himself.  Then I think to myself, so what if we caught the cancer 9 months earlier?  The prognosis for liver cancer is not good, so would my dad have gone through months of arduous chemotherapy or radiation treatments for the same result?  It was hard enough watching him suffer the past 2 months and I can't imagine watching him suffer longer.

I feel guilty for not realizing that he was sick, but then I remember how private my dad was.  I regret that my dad and I were not as close as we used to be.  We used to talk every Sunday and see each other more often, but we both had our own lives and we knew that we loved each other even though we didn't talk as much or see each other as much.  I mentioned to my dad that I was sad we weren't as close as we used to be and I was sorry for that, but glad that we spoke every day since he was hospitalized in January and that we saw each other twice last month.  He said it was ok and it was part of life and being a grown up.  I am grateful for the past two months of getting to talk to my dad everyday and I'm thankful for the opportunity to have been with him during his final days and when he passed.  As hard as the past few days have been, I wouldn't trade them for the world.  He knew I loved him and I know he loved me.

May 2013 Four generations of the Boyd family

We stayed in Ohio until Monday evening and I made the decision to bring my dad to St. Louis to be buried at our national cemetery.  My dad was an Air Force Veteran and a very patriotic man.  His funeral was this morning, complete with military honors and I think it is what he would've wanted.  My grandparents are buried at the same cemetery and it feels right having him here in St. Louis with Matt, the boys, and I.  We are having a celebration of his life at the end of the month (on what would have been his 56th birthday, actually) in Ohio and that feels right, too.  Canton has been his home for nearly the past 10 years and having this celebration at his church with his second family is the right thing to do.

I'm trying to cope as best as can and also keeping in mind how Matt, the boys, and my mom are grieving, too.  I find myself fluctuating between a complete loss of appetite and bursts of incredible hunger.  I find myself in moments of complete grief, where I break down and cry until the feeling passes.  I also find moments of smiles and laughter thinking back on fond memories of my daddy.  I'm trying to take care of myself as best I can, but there is so much to do and think about and so I take things hour by hour.

May 2013 - best Bebaw ever

This whole experience has taught me some very important things:

1. Life is too damn short.  Don't take those you love for granted, don't sweat the small stuff.  Laugh a lot, love fiercely, and enjoy life. 
2. When you are in the darkest time in your life, light shines through in the form of those that care about you.  I have been blown away and humbled by the love and support that I have received from my family and friends.  I am blessed beyond measure and I appreciate each and every one of you who has given me a hug, told me you loved me, listened to me jabber on, and offered your support and help.  I think in his final days, this really sunk in for my dad, too.  He and I talked about this on Thursday and he said he didn't realize how much people cared about him until he was sick.  
3. As much as it sucks to think about, death does happen so it is best to have everything in order.  It's best to plan ahead instead of trying to take care of things when you are in crisis mode, believe me.  Matt and I have already said that once the dust settles in the next few weeks, we are going to sit down and work on our wills, power of attorneys, and make a binder of all of our pertinent account information, etc.  It's unpleasant to think about, for sure, but I'd rather be prepared. 

July 2010 - Nick's birthday at the zoo with Bebaw

I appreciate you reading this long post; it was very cathartic to write.  I am going to try to get out and run this weekend.  The weather is supposed to be beautiful and I haven't run in over a week.  It will do my soul some good to run and clear my head.  

I know these two little boys have a special guardian angel watching over them

In loving memory of Robert Emmett Boyd

March 22, 1958 - March 1, 2014

I love you, Daddy, and miss you so much

Rest in Peace 

Easy run

Today, I decided to do an easy run following my long run on Saturday, but the easy run made me question the logic of taking a rest day yesterday.  I actually didn't feel too bad or too sore yesterday like I thought I would, but I was definitely sore today as I ran.  My calves were tight and my right hip ached and I wonder if I did myself a disservice by not running yesterday to get some of the kinks out.  In any case, my easy run wasn't quite as easy as I'd hoped due to the soreness, but it was still nice to get outside and run.  I was aiming for three miles, but I had a meeting this afternoon that I needed to get back to the office for, so I ended up doing about 2.36.  It should have felt like a really short run to me given that I ran 7 on Saturday, but it didn't feel all that short.  Tomorrow, I have a date with some hills during my run!

I am on day two of my crunches and planking routine and while it's not a great streak, it's progress.  I love the way my abs feel after doing crunches, but I am still learning to love planks.  I probably never will, but I did push myself to do a third plank tonight instead of just two.  I am only able to hold each plank for about 20 seconds, but as my core gets stronger, I hope to increase the length of each plank.  Who knows, I may even throw in some crazy side planks down the line.  Way, way, way down the line.

I appreciate the feedback you all gave about loosening my shoestrings to help alleviate the sensation of my feet falling asleep when I run! I remembered today to loosen my right shoe, but not my left.  It felt a bit strange at first having the shoe a bit looser than normal, but I do think it helped my foot from falling asleep.  Now the trick tomorrow is to remember to loosen both shoestrings.

I'd love to know what you would recommend for chafing.  I don't normally have problems with chafing, but on my long run on Saturday, I had some issues with the waistband of my capris riding against my skin.  It wasn't awful, but I would definitely like to avoid any further chafing, particularly since my long runs are going to increase over the next few weeks.  I've heard great things about BodyGlide and I've also heard that using regular Vaseline can help, too. I'll be honest, the thought of putting Vaseline on before a run is strange to me because I'm not a big fan of the consistency and I imagine BodyGlide has a similar consistency, but I also could do without the chafing, so I'm willing to give it a try.  How do you deal with chafing while running?

"Every morning you have two choices: continue to sleep with your dreams, or wake up and chase them." 

Some of my current favorite things

I had a blissfully quiet day today, filled with lots of napping!  I went back and forth about going for a run, but ultimately decided to take a rest day.  I did a few crunches and planks, though, to get in some core work and now the trick is to keep up with those exercises regularly!

It has been awhile since I shared some of my favorite things, so I thought I would today.  It's certainly a random assortment of things.

1. "Happy" by Pharrell Williams.  I love, love, love this song.  It is impossible not to smile while listening to this song.  It's is also impossible not to clap along.  This is also one of Nick's new favorite jams.  He is frequently heard around the house singing "Clap along if you feel like a room without a roof..."  The video is also a gem.  I need a little happy in my life, so thank you Pharrell. 
2. "Ways to Go" by Grouplove.  I also dig this song.  The video is strange, but the song is darn catchy and will be stuck in your head forever.  You're welcome. 
3. "Dark Horse" by Katy Perry.  When I first heard this song, I wasn't sold, but after listening to it a few more times, it has grown on me and I love it.  Again, strange video, but that is status quo for Katy.  
4. Unbroken by Laura Hillenbrand.  I mentioned yesterday that I was listening to this book on my run and I can't say enough about this book.  I'm not finished with it, but it is amazing.  It has been on my reading list for months, but I haven't been doing much reading lately.  I picked it up in audio book form from the library before we left for Ohio and I listened to it on our trip while Nick was sleeping or watching movies.  It's a true story primarily set during World War II and it will captivate you.  I've also been listening to it in the car on the way to and from work and it's hard to leave the car because the book is that good!  
5. Raspberry Lemonade water enhancer. I can't get enough of this raspberry lemonade drink mix.  I love raspberries and I love lemonade, but I was still reluctant to try this.  It is delicious and probably my favorite of the drink mixes that we have.  I still love the fruit punch, but I have been drinking the raspberry lemonade several times a day.  I know it isn't as good as drinking plain water, but it sure beats a soda. 
6. Jimmy Fallon and Justin Timberlake. JT has always been a fave of mine (going back to his 'NSYNC days) and Jimmy Fallon is hilarious.  However, when you combine the two, it is pure comic genious!  The Christmas SNL episode with the two of them was a classic and I hope that JT will  make many more appearances on Late Night with Jimmy Fallon! 

What are some of your favorite things currently? 

I found the quote below and it spoke to me.  I've mentioned feeling out of sorts and I need to keep the below in mind.  It will get better!

"Be strong because things will get better. It may be stormy now, but it never rains forever." 

Today I ran farther than I ever have

I ran 7 miles today and it felt good! I was going back and forth in my head about whether I wanted to run 6 miles today or 7.  I was leaning towards 7 for several reasons, though.  1) I had a run earlier this week that really challenged me and made me wonder for a brief second how I was going to do a half marathon in a few weeks, so I figured getting in a higher mileage run would be good for me. 2) I have been nervous about this distance since before I began training.  I knew I could run 6 since I did my 10K in October, but anything above and beyond 6 miles was a huge question mark.  I was tired of this lingering doubt I had about whether or not I could run more so I wanted to do it to prove to myself that I could.

It took a little persuading to get myself outside to run today, though.  It wasn't because of the weather, as you might expect.  The weather was gorgeous, but I am feeling very out of sorts and wanted nothing more than to lay in bed all day.  I took a long nap, but then decided I had better get outside to run before the sun set and I am really glad I did.

I need this run on so many levels.  It was a huge boost to my confidence and it was good for my soul.  There is so much going on in my life right now and while I have much to be thankful for, I am also incredibly stressed, overwhelmed, etc.  To be able to go outside today, put in my headphones, turn on a great audio book I am listening to (Unbroken by Laura Hillenbrand; just superb), and start running was glorious.  For about 90 minutes, I didn't think about anything other than putting one foot in front of the other and the great book I was listening to.  When I got to my car, I realized I hadn't given a second thought to any of the stresses in my life and I really needed that "me" time.

My pace was slower than planned, but I knew I would need to conserve energy to get in 7 miles and when I started out, my calves were very stiff and crampy.  I loosened up eventually and settled into a good groove.  Near the halfway point of my run, a woman ran by me in the opposite direction, made eye contact with me, and raised both hands up in the air in a celebratory way.  It made me smile and I did the same back to her.  It was a nice little boost at the midway point.  We ran by each other a little while later when we both turned around to head back and did the same celebratory motions.  I should have asked her name, because I think she would be a fun running pal.

The farthest I have ever run in my life!

My MapMyRun app is a little off on my total mileage and the only reason I know this is because I started at the .0 mile marker on the trail, ran to the 3.5 mile marker, and then turned around and ran back.  I did have a weird side effect happen to me today that I have noticed before, but never really looked into.  Sometimes when I run, I notice that my right foot falls asleep, however, today both of my feet seemed to fall asleep.  I read on another post that sometimes loosening your shoestrings helps, but I wonder if anyone else has experienced the falling asleep sensation in your feet while running and what you do to remedy the situation.

All in all, it was a really great run today and so I say "half marathon, here I come!"

"It always seems impossible until it is done." 

Looking forward to a long run

I'm feeling so glad to be back in my running groove!  My friend Mary and I went for a great 4 mile run tonight and it felt really good (and we even went up a pretty substantial hill).  We ventured down a new part of the path and it was fun to explore a new area.  It was great looking at some beautiful houses that they have on the outskirts of the park where we run.  It was good to have such an amazing run tonight, because I could definitely use the boost of self confidence in advance of a long run this weekend.

I've run three times this week and they were all 4 miles in length.  Obviously, I've deviated a lot from my training plans, but I still feel very confident about the half in a few weeks.  I would like to do 6 or 7 miles tomorrow, which would be awesome!

Do you have any plans for the weekend (running related or otherwise)?

"I know every mile will be worth my while." 

Positive Body Image

Wow, I didn't intend to be away from my blog for over a week, but I've had a lot going on in my personal life that needed tending to (sometimes it was just me).  I ended up going to Ohio last weekend to see my Dad and while it was great to see him, reality sank in about his condition.  Nick came with me and we had quite the adventure.  What is normally about a 9 hour drive, took us closer to 14 hours since we drove in snow nearly the entire way.  We saw so many cars on the side of the road and one jack-knifed trailer, so I was so glad when we arrived safely, even though it was 2 in the morning.  I think my Dad enjoyed the company and we were even able to see my Grandparents and Uncle for a little bit.  I wish we were all seeing each other under better circumstances, but it was good to see them nonetheless.

I was able to get in a 4 mile run on Tuesday and another 4 miles in yesterday, so I'm getting back into my groove.  The weather has been lovely here and all of our snow melted.  Thank goodness, between the drive on Friday in snow and the cold weather, I'm ready for spring. On Tuesday, I ran the hillier path in the park and I admit, I walked through some of it.  I was irritated with myself for letting my brain give up on my legs and I was honestly starting to think that I was never going to be ready for the half.  Yesterday's run was infinitely better and while I am still nervous about the half, I know that I need to ramp up my training and this will help build back my confidence.

One of the things I post about a lot on here is my struggle with the scale.  It's fair to say that I am a slave to the scale and let it consume me far too much.  Try as I might, I cannot break my daily routine of weighing myself after I wake up.  However, something happened on my trip to Ohio that has made me re-think my bond with the scale.

The hotel where we stayed had an indoor pool, which thrilled Nick, and was a nice diversion from the emotional stress of the trip.  On Saturday night, we went swimming and made friends with three children playing in the pool.  Almost as soon as we walked into the pool area, the three kids (two girls and a boy) called out to Nick and asked if he wanted to play with them.  We ended up playing in the pool for a bit and then sitting in the hot tub.

While we were in the hot tub, the kids were peppering us with questions about where we were from, why we were in Ohio, and how old is Nick.  We found out that the three kids were from another town, but had come to the hotel in celebration of the little boy's birthday (he just turned 10) and they were visiting their grandma.  I think they may have been cousins and the older two girls told me that they were 13 and 11 years old.  When they asked why we were in town, I told them that my Dad was sick and they told me they hoped he feels better soon.  As they started to leave, the oldest girl told me she would say a prayer for my Daddy.  I almost choked up and I thanked her.  All three of the kids were delightfully inquisitive, sweet, and charming and I had hoped to run into their family to tell them as much, but I didn't get the opportunity to.  As the kids went to leave, the older girl said something to me that stopped me in my tracks.

As she left the hot tub, she told me goodbye and mentioned that she was going next door to the exercise room to workout.  I thought it was a little odd and I said something along the lines of "oh, do you like to workout?" and she replied "No, but I need to lose 30 pounds."  I was speechless for a minute and probably had my mouth agape while trying to think of an appropriate response.  I finally said to her "You do not need to lose 30 pounds.  You are healthy and beautiful the way you are."  She insisted that she needed to lose 30 pounds and told me that she was 135 pounds and most of her friends were 100 pounds.  Again, I told her  how beautiful she was and that 135 pounds was a perfectly normal weight no matter what her friends weighed.  She grabbed her stomach and said "but look at this?" and I replied "Look at what?"  She said "look at my stomach. It shouldn't look like this."  I could not have been more flabbergasted.  Here was the delightful, beautiful 13 year old girl who was so obsessed by the number on the scale and what others defined as beauty that she couldn't see how truly beautiful she was.  I couldn't believe how skewed her perception of herself was and I wondered where she had picked up this negative body image at 13 years old.  I hope that my reiterating how beautiful she is eventually sunk in, but I also realize that I'm just some random lady she met at the pool at the Ramada, so my words probably didn't mean much.

This of course led me to think of myself.  Why is it that I'm so appalled by a child's negative body image, when my body image is just as bad, if not worse.  Why is it ok for me, an adult, to be so hard on my body? Is that how we got to the point that girls today at 12, 13, 14 years old are thinking that they need to lose 30 pounds?  This constant obsession with weight cannot be good for us.  See any tabloid magazine for further proof of our obsession; you cannot pick up a magazine without some story of weight loss or gain on the front cover.  So and so loses 50 lbs. See the amazing transformation or So and so gains 30 lbs. See the shocking new pictures.  Is this really the message we want to send ourselves and our children?

It is definitely something to think about.  I hope that my words had some meaning to that girl and above all, I hope that she has family and friends that will lift her up and help her realize that her beauty, her worth, her identity is not defined by the number on the scale.  I think we could all benefit from a little positive body image in our life, so let's stop thinking of ourselves as numbers on a scale, and start being thankful for the body we've been given.

"How I feel about myself is more important than how I look. Feeling confident, being comfortable in your own skin - that's what really makes you beautiful." 

Running = clarity

It was so nice to sneak in a run today!  With everything going on in my life at the moment, hitting the pavement today was just what I needed.  A little fresh air, sweat, and some time to reflect.  My friend, Mary, and I met up with two other friends and co-workers, Stacy and Greg, for a fun lunch run.  I ran 4 miles between our path at the park and running to and from campus and it felt good, although mostly after the fact.

Post-run shenanigans

We took a slightly different path than normal, mainly because the actual running paths at the park were snow covered, and it was quite a bit hillier than I'm used to.  It was challenging, but I pushed through and I'm glad I did.  I think part of the route we took today is part of the half marathon route in April, so that was good practice and a few hills never hurt anyone (although my quads beg to differ). My pace was slower than normal, but I consider it a victory that I got out to run today.  And did I mention the hills?

I ran without any podcasts or music and I think that made running a bit harder today, but on the other hand, it was really, really nice to just focus on my stride, my breathing, and pushing through the pain of the hills.  Having that solitude for nearly an hour was good for me.

Today's run will likely be my only run this week, but I will be hard at training again next week!  Half marathon here I come!

Speaking of half marathons (shameless plug alert), I've entered the ZOOMA Run to Napa Contest and if you have a moment to spare, I'd appreciate your vote.  Please click here if you'd like to vote!  (You can vote a day until the contest ends.)

"Strength does not come from winning. Your struggles develop your strengths. When you go through hardships and decide not to surrender, that is strength."