Self-Doubt

Some days you have runs that make you feel invincible and on top of the world.  Other days, running humbles you and makes you question your ability to achieve your goals.  Today, my run fell into the latter category.  I came home feeling utterly defeated and doubting whether or not I can run a half in less than a month.  I have hyped up this race so much in my head and I want it to be perfect.  I am so afraid of getting injured before the race and not being able to cross the finish line or even start the race for that matter.  I have tried to turn my attitude around over the past few hours, but it is a struggle.

I took another rest day yesterday even though I brought my running clothes to work and had planned to go to the trail after work.  I stood up to go change and lost all momentum to run.  I couldn't even fathom the thought of putting on my running clothes, much less going for a run, and I didn't want to force it, so I decided to give myself (and my hip) another rest day.

Today, I figured I had better do an easy 2-3 mile run since I am doing a 5 mile St. Pat's Run tomorrow.  I can't really think of the right adjective to describe my run today, but I keep coming back to disastrous. I started out and felt the pain in my hip again.  I became uber focused on my gait and stride to try to see if I was running abnormally.  I think I was focusing too much on that and it was throwing me off.  I got a little over a mile into the run and I stopped to walk.  I was so irritated with myself.  What the heck happened to the girl who ran 7 miles 3 weeks ago?  She sure wasn't on the path today, because that girl could barely eek out a mile.  When I walk, my hip feels 99% pain free, but when I run, the impact of my foot striking the ground sends pain up my leg and to my hip joint.

After a quick walk break, I started to run for a bit and my hip started to feel better (I wish I could remember what I did differently to make it feel good, though) but my legs felt like lead.  I let my mind get the better of me and I slowed to a walk, again.  This repeated itself for the rest of my run, which only ended up being about 2.2 miles.  After I finished and got back to my car, I started freaking out a bit (a lot) about tomorrow's race and the half, but I'm trying to keep in mind a few things.

First, I have not been taking care of myself like I should, from eating well to sleeping well and everything in between.  I'm sure that doesn't help matters.  Secondly, I ate crap today.  I had a delicious lunch from our local Chinese restaurant, but something tells me that running on a stomach full of sesame chicken (and Pepsi) is a bad idea.  I don't know how many times I have to remind myself of this, but what I eat really does affect how I run.

I'm trying really hard not to let this run (and my hip nonsense) bring me down.  A fellow blogger, Jessica, reminded me of something Dimity from Run Like a Mother said about how it is better to get to the starting line under trained than over trained and injured.  I must keep repeating this to myself or I will drive myself batty with self-doubt.

Jack had a great birthday on Wednesday and he and I had a lovely day of Mommy/son bonding, which was much needed all around.

I'm keeping my fingers crossed for a good race tomorrow.  Good luck to anyone else who is racing this weekend! 

"Don't let insecure thoughts ruin something amazing."