Random Ramblings

Once again, I seem to have fallen off the face of the Earth and I didn't necessarily intend to do so.  I have been feeling very out of sorts lately and I'm not entirely sure of the cause, but I am picking up on signs that I am not myself.

• I am stress eating a lot; pizza, frozen yogurt, candy, you name it.  I seem to be using food as a coping mechanism and I am really going to make a conscious effort to nip that in the bud this week.
• I have been grinding my teeth at a night, which I am prone to do, particularly when I am stressed out or nervous.  I haven't done it in a while, but luckily I still have my mouth guard to use when needed.
• I am biting my nails, which again, I tend to do when nervous or stressed. 
• I am not running (except for the race I did yesterday, more on that in a moment) and have no desire at the moment, despite some pretty amazing weather we've been having the past few days.  I will be starting my Napa training plan soon, so I think that will give me the kick in the tush that I need. 
• All I want to do is sleep.  At night after the boys are in bed, I'm not too far behind them, which has meant no blogging, no reading, no core work, etc.  Surprisingly, I still feel incredibly tired on a daily basis, which is a bit ridiculous considering how much sleep I've been getting.
• I'm pretty weepy, but I am cutting myself a fair share of slack for that considering today is my first Father's Day without my Dad.  I think subconsciously I have been preparing myself for this day for the past few weeks.  I have been thinking about my dad a lot and missing him like crazy.  I know at some point this will get easier (I hope?), but it is really hard right now.  I've been replaying over and over again in my head the moment when he passed away as well as the last few days I had with him.  Today we went to church to see Nick perform some of his VBS songs with his friends from summer camp and I practically cried through the whole service.  I feel bad for being such a downer today, especially since it's Father's Day for Matt, but I am just really struggling right now.  Matt had a great idea, though.  I always sent my Dad Maull's BBQ sauce for Father's Day.  Maull's is an amazing local BBQ sauce and you can't find it outside of St. Louis.  Dad loved it from all the time he spent in St. Louis when my parents were married and from visits to see us, so I would always ship him a few bottles for summer grilling season.  Matt suggested we bring a little Maull's to Dad's grave today, so I brought a little container and poured a bit on the grass by his grave.  We all had a little dab, too, in Dad's honor.  I feel like I have kind of been walking around in a daze lately and I am not sure if this is a normal part of the grief process or something more, but I am keeping an eye on it and taking my anxiety medication to help. 

I didn't intend for this post to be so heavy, but I did want to explain a bit about why I have been absent for a few days.

Yesterday was the 16th annual Komen St. Louis Race for the Cure and my mom and I went downtown for our 5th Race.  It is always an inspiring and emotional day and it's a cause near and dear to my heart.  I have been involved with our local affiliate for the past few years as a volunteer for the Race, but this year I took a step back, which in retrospect was a wise decision given all that has transpired this year.  Mom's company had a team, so I participated as part of team OHL and we had a great morning.  We couldn't have asked for better weather; it was sunny without a cloud in the sky and the temperatures were in the 70's.  

Me and my sweet Mama before the Race

I ran a fair share of the race, but I did take a few walk breaks.  I haven't run in about 10 days (since National Run Day, I think), so I gave myself a little leeway.  I met up with Mom just before the finish line and we finished the last part of the race together, arm in arm, which was lovely.  Love you, Mom!

The Race for the Cure is always a great race to interact with others and be inspired by those who have fought breast cancer.  I had a great volunteer give me the best high five as I was about 3/4 of the way through the first mile (all uphill, by the by) and my mom and I met a survivor after the race who was 93!  I also spent much of the morning remembering a woman who we lost to breast cancer this year, Tara Boland, who I had the privilege of meeting 2 years ago.  She lost her battle in April of this year, leaving behind a loving husband and 4 beautiful young children, including Sam, who she delivered after being diagnosed while pregnant and going through chemo during her second trimester.  Tara was an amazing woman and if you'd like to know more about her and her story, please visit her website. 

On another note, I've had a pretty successful week tracking down STL 250 cakes.  It has become quite a fun little adventure, but luckily I have a few more months to track them all down!

Outside of Left Bank Books

Missouri Botanical Garden

Soldiers Memorial Cake,which was behind a locked gate and not publicly accessible

Soldier's Memorial (sad face because that was as close as I could get to it)

Peabody Opera House 

Scottrade Center (St. Louis Blues)

St. Louis Cardinals Cake from a few weeks ago

Nick and I after Cardinals Night for his school

Since I will be starting  Napa training at the end of the month, I am going to ease back into running this week and start getting my diet under control, in the sense that I need to start eating better to fuel my body properly.  I'm also looking forward to celebrating the first anniversary of my blog this week (June 20th) and am thinking up some fun ways to celebrate.

Happy Father's Day to all of the Dads out there, especially my husband, Matt, who is an amazing Daddy to our boys.  I love you, babe!

And Happy Father's Day to the best Daddy a girl could ask for, my Daddy.  There are so many times that missing him takes my breath away, but I am also grateful for the memories that we had over the past 31 years and for all that he taught me.  I wouldn't be who I am today if it weren't for him.  I love you and miss you, Dad, every day.

"He wasn't a hero, known by the world. But a hero he was, to his little girl."