Monday, April 28, 2014

This girl is on fire?

Actually, she's not.  Last summer, Alicia Keys' Girl on Fire was my power song and it inspired me in so many ways.  However, now, nearly a year later, I feel like I should change the lyrics to my favorite empowerment song because I have hit such a huge brick wall.  When I think back to where I was last year and where I am today, it's a complete change.  I have no motivation at the moment to push myself to lose weight.

On the one hand, I've recognized that I've started putting weight back on and have nipped that in the bud, which is actually a pretty huge accomplishment for me.  Normally, I would just let the weight keep piling back on until I was back at my starting weight.  Luckily, I am motivated to not let that happen and I've taken steps to remedy that situation.  On the other hand, however, I don't have the steadfast determination that I had last summer, when I was so diligent about working out and what I ate.  I'm going easy on myself and I'm not sure how to get back to being the girl on fire.

Lately, when faced with food temptations, I have an internal struggle with myself and a lot of it has to do with how I'm dealing with my grief about my dad, I think.  I'm struggling with the brevity of life and how quickly one's life can change; how it is important to enjoy life and live it to the fullest.  This obviously has multiple applications in my everyday life, family, friends, work, and also food.  I know it seems silly to equate this to what I eat, but I find myself thinking "life is too short to not eat frozen yogurt or have a Pepsi."  Yet I find myself countering those thoughts with the thought that life is also too short to be in the unhealthy body I am in and if I want to be around for as long as possible, I need to change my habits.  Such a dilemma.  I feel like one of those cartoon characters who has an angelic version of myself sitting on one shoulder telling me to make good choices and a slightly mischievous version of myself on the other should telling me to live my life and eat what I want.

I thought that the friendly competition with my mom would help motivate me or writing out my birthday challenge goal would light another fire under me, but it hasn't.  I wish I could pinpoint what exactly motivated me last summer, but I think a lot of it was my challenge to myself and not wanting to back down.  Given that holding myself accountable to my own challenges isn't working anymore, I need to find new motivation, I suppose.  It's a good opportunity to reflect a little and re-evaluate, which isn't necessarily a bad thing.

I'm hoping to get out for a few runs this week now that my sinus infection seems to be on the downswing, so maybe a little time hitting the pavement will help re-energize me and re-focus my energy.

We had some crazy thunderstorms the past few days and I love a good thunderstorm!  I had to take a picture from my office this afternoon, because the sky got so dark and it was lovely watching the storm roll in and have the windows open to hear the rain.

Awesome thunderstorm rolling in 
Thank you all for the encouraging words you've posted on my blog the past few weeks; I really appreciate the good vibes and the helpful advice and tips!

"The struggle you're in today is developing the strength you need for tomorrow."